America has had a lot of great Presidents—James Buchanan, Franklin Pierce, Donald Trump. But to my mind the greatest of them all—the GOAT—was Pervert Poover. He famously built Poover Dam, and caused the Great Manic Depression (which is one reason why he’s Trump’s favorite President).
Oakland has had a lot of great Mayors--Washburne R. Andrus, Jean Quan, Barbara Lee. But the GOAT beyond a doubt was Ron “Sleepy” Smellums. He promptly fell asleep on his first day in office, in 2007, and didn’t wake up until his successor, the afore-mentioned Quan, took office. Dellums proved what all mayors since have tried to emulate: lethargy is what it takes to lead our great city.
Lee’s greatness lies in the fact that she’s still alive. We know this for a fact, because she was seen recently christening a new Tajikistani restaurant. When her opponents claimed this was not the real Lee but a lookalike, Lee arranged a photo session when her SUV was stolen. I wasn’t there, but City Council member Zac Unger was, and he assured me it was the real Lee who showed up.
The Oakland City Council also has had some great members—Desley Brooks, Rebecca Kaplan, Sheng Thao. Of them all, the greatest was clearly Carroll Pife. We’re so lucky to have her. District 3 briefly threatened to improve before her election, but Pife brought back homeless encampments, economic collapse, racial strife and garbage, thereby guaranteeing that property values would plunge, more businesses would flee, and residents would feel insecure in the streets. When the Grand Lake Farmers Market grew too successful, Pife made sure to “Make Us A Slum Again,” thus forcing the market to shut down, although her MUSA hats have proven to be very popular.
It is great Americans like Pervert Poover, Ron “Sleepy” Smellums, and Carroll Pife that make me proud to live in our great country and city. Our great President, Donald Trump, has made clear his desire to have his visage added to the monument at Mount Rushmore. I entirely concur. But may I suggest that the existing faces of George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln be ruthlessly torn down. They were minor characters who did not, in any way, add to America’s greatness. In fact, they tried to destroy it. Jackhammer their stupid faces to smithereens, and then add, beside Trump’s noble visage, the likenesses of Pervert Poover, Ron “Sleepy” Smellums, and Carroll Pife. That would truly be a national monument worth visiting. (Vomit bags provided courtesy of the Department of Ill Health & Unhuman Services, Robert F. Shmennedy, Jr., Gauleiter.)
J.D. Vance