[The following is satire.]
During midnight raids, the Oakland Police Department, assisted by the California Highway Patrol, arrested all members of the Oakland Police Commission. The felons were booked into the Alameda County Jail, in Santa Rita, where they await a hearing before a county judge.
The warrants were issued by Alameda County District Attorney Ursula Jones Dickson. The detainees are being held without bail. Dickson said she hopes the commission members will have a speedy trial and that, if convicted, she’d like to see them sentenced to the maximum of ten years in jail, without possibility of parole.
Jim Chanin, a lawyer for one of the commissioners, called the move “outrageous” and said his client “will fight like hell” to be acquitted. Chanin added that the Police Commission had been created “at the will of the voters” and that it is illegal to remove a sitting commissioner “for a political vendetta.”
Dickson responded, “No one is above the law.” The commissioners, she said, “have caused great harm to the City of Oakland and the County of Alameda. Due to their negligence and vicious unconcern, public safety has deteriorated in our community. These people must be held accountable for their destructive actions.”
The public seems to agree. A recent poll, conducted before the arrests, showed that 78% of Alameda County voters, and 84% of Oakland voters, want the Police Commissioners to be arrested and to serve time in jail.
Also arrested were the head of the Anti Police-Terror Project, Cat Brooks; former City Council member and current Board of Supervisors member Nikki F. Bas; Carroll Fife, a current member of the City Council; and two lawyers, John Burris and the above-mentioned Chanin. All have been active in radical, far-left conspiracies to destroy Oakland in exchange for private profit and racial preferences.
None of those arrested was available for an interview. But our reporter caught up with Burris, as he was led away in handcuffs and leg shackles into a police van. Asked what he thought of his detention, he raised two fists and yelled, “Stick it to the man! Off the pig! Power to the people!”
As soon as the arrests became public knowledge, crowds of citizens gathered in the street to celebrate. A large crowd packed Frank Ogawa Plaza, opposite City Hall. Another crowd was observed in the Rockridge District. Perhaps the biggest of all, estimated by police to number ten thousand, marched down International Boulevard. “Free at last!” they chanted. “Unleash the police!” “Jail Warshaw” read signs. “We don’t need no thought control!”
One of the demonstrators on International Boulevard, who did not want to give her name because she fears reprisals from violent perps who continue to hate the police, said for the first time in years she feels safe going out at night. “As long as that police commission lasted, they stirred up trouble. They told criminals it was okay for them to assault and rob us. But now, we’ve taken our neighborhood back. I recommend sending the whole damned commission to Gitmo. Let them have a taste of their own medicine.”
An arrest warrant was also issued for Robert Warshaw, the federal monitor of the Oakland Police Department. A police spokesman said Warshaw appears to have fled. A security camera at Oakland Airport caught him apparently trying to board a flight to Paraguay. The public is warned that if they see him to avoid contact as he is considered dangerous.
Mayor Barbara Lee said she is working to appoint a replacement Police Commission. She added that, when she does, it will represent “equity, diversity and inclusiveness. I want our Police Commission to reflect the rainbow that truly is Oakland, and that means including Communists, anarchists, race mongers, former convicts, and criminal defense lawyers, who help to make Oakland a bastion of progressivism.”
Steve Heimoff